The Truth About Bilbo
by DevilsLittleAngel666
Summary: Crack-fic. Can be Pre-Slash or just bad humor and crazy Hobbit's. Not meant to offend. T for some language.


**Disclaimer:Do not own but wish I did.**

**The Truth About Bilbo**

Bilbo Baggins was a good hobbit. He had his six meals a day and never went on any adventures. He didn't need to. He had all the fun he could want here in the Shire. Adventures outside the Shire were an awful lot of trouble any way. Big Folk always getting in your business. So yes Bilbo was a good hobbit.

But like every good hobbit Bilbo had a secret. This secret concerned his fingers. They liked to 'lift' things. But only from those who deserved it. Like Farmer Maggot who chased away little hobbits for eating his carrots or mushrooms. He didn't need all them. In cases like this Bilbo lifted some food for the little hobbits. Sometimes Bilbo lifted valuable things like a bracelet made a silver with a sapphire. It belonged to an elf who he met in Bree when visiting the Big Folk market. The elf was been mean to a dwarfling so it was only fair. The elf didn't even notice. So yes Bilbo had a secret that most would blame on his Took blood. Bilbo knew it was from his Baggins blood. After all it was an art taught to him by his father and not his mother. She would never approve. She was a hobbit of repute after all.

Now Bilbo's story starts with an unexpected visit from a wizard wanting him to go on an adventure. This was a problem for poor Bilbo. He had just got a coded letter from a 'friend' telling of some dwarves looking for a thief to help them steal a vast fortune from a dragon. Bilbo wanted to help. After all who ever helped would get a reputation for being THE BEST THIEF IN ALL OF ARDA. Bilbo wanted this reputation. But first the wizard Gandalf and his adventure.

When Bilbo met Thorin Oakensheild he was not impressed. A grocer indeed. The poor hobbit was quite taken back when he learned this was the job he wanted in the first place. He had to put up an act but already knew he would sign. At one-fourteenth he would be a fool not to. And Bilbo was not fool. Or a burgular. He had never broken in to someplace before in his entire life. But theft he could do. Now all he had to do was impress the king and claim his rightful reputation as the best thief. Should be easy.

It was not. First were the trolls. Oh how that was awful. He should have used his own dagger in stead of trying to lift the trolls one. Bilbo was quite touched when Thorin laid down his weapon for Bilbo's life. It was not necessary as he was already pulling himself out of his jacket. But still the thought was appreciated. Even if he had to free them all by distracting the trolls long enough for the sun to come up. Not that the dwarves helped any really.

Bilbo knew what the Company thought of him. The elf blade from Gandalf was nice if a bit flashy. Arriving in Rivendale Bilbo got the shock of his life. The elf-lord looked like an older version of the elf he had once stolen from. Must be his father or something.

Time to have fun it would seem.

Bilbo crept along the halls of Rivendale. He had a familiar silver bracelet in his hand. Time to return it. Now Bilbo didn't normally return that which he had taken but this called for an exception. As he softly moved along Bilbo heard raised voices.

"I am telling you Thorin. I saw the look he was giving this place and it's inhabitants, he will want to stay. It would be best to just leave him here." That sounded an awful lot like Balin. Who could he be talking about.

"I will not just abandon a member of this company. We leave at day break like planned. He comes, he comes. If not we go on without our thief." snapped Thorin. Ohh they were talking about him. Not very nice. Time they learned how good a thief Bilbo really was. This was going to be so much fun. Hehehe.

Moving into the library Bilbo placed the bracelet on the table while taking some paper and ink. Bilbo left the room a short while later leaving behind a missive with the bracelet.

_Next time be nicer. The Thief King._

Bilbo snickered at the nickname other thieves had given him. He might not take many jobs outside the Shire now he was grown up but he still took hard and challenging ones for the thrill. And he was the best, truly worthy of his title. Hehehe.

Going over the Misty Mountains was not fun. Not fun at all. THe near death experience could have been avoided. Really and did Thorin have to be such a bastard about saving him. Mountains and Hobbits don't mix. It just doesn't work. His feet were cold and numb. He had no grip. Sooo not his fault.

After the most recent verbal abuse from Thorin, Bilbo decided it was time to leave. That turned out to be more difficult than necessary. He really hated lying to Bofur but there was no way he was going to tell him he would see him at the Lonely Mountain, if Thorin's Company ever made it. Hehehe. Falling down to Goblin Town was so not cool or expected. But it did give him the opportunity to prove himself. He done this by gently and carefully removing a certain key from Thorin's neck without him any the wiser.

Getting attacked and then knocked out while trying to work out how to save the company is something Bilbo was quite willing to pretend never happened. The Game of Riddles too. How un-professional. Stupid pretty dwarves and their pity inducing plight forcing him to play nice.

The Ring was an interesting find but left an awful taste in his mouth. Something was not right about it. Best give it to Gandalf. Plus Bilbo didnt need it. He could make himself invisible already. Years of practice and shadow's made it possible.

Leaving the mountain, Bilbo was hurt hearing Thorin's opinion of him. Hobbit's were loyal and could be trusted. Bilbo was by now determined to prove Thorin wrong. Stupid pretty dwarves and their challenge inducing angst. Sooo not cool.

Fleeing from the Orc's Bilbo couldn't help but wonder if Thorin had noticed the missing key yet. Hehehe. Saving Thorin's life left Bilbo very confused. On one hand Hobbit's were very loyal and Thorin was signing his paycheck so it was important he remained alive but on the other he was such a bastard to Bilbo. Plus he had two nephews to replace him. Stupid pretty dwarves making him play nice. They were ruining his reputation. At this rate he would get some nice and pretty title like Hero or something equally awful for helping steal back the mountain.

The hug was nice do. Stupid pretty dwarf.

Arriving in Beorn's place turned out to be highly amusing and worth the stay. Thorin had finally discovered the missing key along with his beads and sword. Bilbo was very impressed with himself. It was not easy taking the beads and sword from the King Under The Mountain.

"The key is missing. Along with my beads and Orcist." Thorin announced furious.

"My bow has also gone missing. I had it not twenty minutes ago." added Kili.

"One of my sword's has also gone missing" Fili imputed. The dwarves were all horrified. Who could have done such a thing? And the key. When did Thorin last have it?

Snickering Bilbo came forth with all the missing items.

"I have them right here. Now before any one starts I demand an apology. I am a thief, just like you hired and I am among the best. After all I stole from the King and his Princes with none the wiser. Here is the key and your weapons as well as your beads." chuckled Bilbo to the stunned Dwarves.

Glancing up he caught the slight smile on Thorin's face before it was wiped off. Stupid pretty dwarf.


End file.
